


Quick Goodbye Kiss

by PhoenixofFire177



Series: Types of Kisses [10]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M, Memory Loss, Sonny is adorable, actually no, barba doesnt even know how to begin to describe their relationship, barba is predictable with his routine, barba is stressed, carmen still needs a raise, i didnt use accent marks bc its late, im not sorry this time, its to make up for the end, lecturing on safe sex, mentions of canon typical mistakes, mentions of their first date, no coffee joke but barba does get a beverage related joke this time, not in the way you think, other than becoming a living cliche, read the warnings fam, sonny cracks too many jokes, theres some spanish, this is based off a supernatual fic i absolutely adore, whoops sorry yall the angst is back, yall needed this in your lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 18:43:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11386152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixofFire177/pseuds/PhoenixofFire177
Summary: It's the almost late for work kisses when their lips just peck yours, like an unfinished goodbye.Bonus: Twist and Shout inspiration





	Quick Goodbye Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> im really hecking sorry if you hate this but oh well. yall needed this. think of this as a present from me (and by extension the supernatural fandom) to your (our?) fandom.

No matter what anyone said, Rafael Barba had never been and would never be ashamed of their relationship. Sure, it was a bit unorthodox but if that wasn’t the epitome of what they were, he didn’t know what was. They were, for lack of a better word, perfect. 

He used perfect loosely, as an umbrella term for the indescribable. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to label their relationship or anything of the sort. He just couldn’t find a good enough word for it. If that made him insensitive or an even bigger asshole than he already knew he was, then so be it. 

Imagine trying to invent a colour that doesn’t already exist. You try so hard, using every ounce of your brain to just come up with an inkling of a concept, but you can’t. That emotion you feel is precisely what Rafael felt each and every time someone told him to talk about them. He just… couldn’t, goddamnit, and what was so hard to grasp about that? 

Sonny was that wonderful, and there was no way to describe that kind of heaven, no matter how varied one’s vocabulary was. It would always become impersonal and distant; the exact opposite of what that man was. Screw the seven deadly sins; downplaying the impact Sonny had on everyone he ever interacted with was a one-way ticket to Dante-esque Hell. Rafael would make sure of it. 

That didn’t stop him from trying though. He’d sit at the living room window in their apartment, still decorated with what Rafael had affectionately dubbed Sonny’s nest, for hours on end, still trying to find the words to express just how much he appreciated his detective and the love they shared. Each and every time, it remained an impossible feat. 

He’d resigned himself a long time ago to the fact that a verbal description of what they were would never happen. It was too much, too private to share with anyone else. That, they could both agree on. Instead, Rafael would sit in front of blank paper and absent-mindedly press his pen too hard into the centre, expecting the words to come easily. Spoiler alert: they didn’t. 

It was actually rather pitiful, if he was being honest with himself. All these memories, so clear in his mind’s eye yet there was no coherent way to put them to words. So many different experiences, swirling around inside of him, flickering just beneath the surface like a school of shimmering koi fish. It was enough to provoke anyone to anger. 

When Rafael got angry, it was never pretty. He was unapproachable enough as it was, but an aura of true anger would send even the most seasoned opponents running for the hills. Sonny never ran. He’d simply smile and try to puzzle through whatever had set his lover off. More often than not, the problem wound up being something small and easily fixed with a little help. It was nice to be heard, though. It made him feel like maybe he wasn’t crazy for working himself up over those problems. Most others would call them insignificant and chastise him for worrying. Sonny never did. More often than not, Sonny would agree that it was a problem and admit he’d have been bothered himself. They shared the burden, those times. Rafael got used to that.

Now, his anger was the only medium that allowed him to formulate even remotely how he appreciated Sonny’s partnership. It was liberating, something he’d never thought so much negative energy could be. His pen would fly across the page, spilling forth page after page of intimate details about him and his beloved detective. Any detail that came to mind found its way into the narrative and Rafael’s filter would slowly dissipate. Rarely seen sides of his boyfriend (like the time Sonny became severely invested in that week’s episode of Lost and cried when the arc didn’t pan out like he’d theorised) and incredibly private details (like how incredibly clingy he was for almost a full month after returning from going undercover) would leak out, painting their love story in black ink for the world to see. 

Today, the only thing he could think about was their first date. 

They’d started off in a quiet bar somewhere between Rafael’s apartment and Sonny’s. It was unreasonably populated for a Monday night in April but Rafael was determined to enjoy himself and make sure his date was comfortable. He wasn’t blind, thank you very much, and could see the tension in Sonny’s shoulders and figured the larger crowd would take the pressure off of the detective. 

They entered the bar without causing too much of a scene (although Rafael later chalked that up to his complaints about Sonny holding the door open for him being rejected), and were greeted rather unceremoniously by a large group of very drunk college kids. Some of them appeared to recognise Sonny and Sonny, them. They called out to him, several drunken catcalls echoing in Rafael’s ears. These kids were just drunk enough to forego common sense and couldn’t see that the detective was on a date. Still, it wasn’t too bad. If things got too bad, there were other bars in New York City and Rafael was friends with most of the owners. They had options. 

Placing a hand on the small of Sonny’s back, Rafael guided them to a table. Someone set drinks in front of them, a glass of scotch and an unfamiliar beer, but Rafael couldn’t care less. His attention was on the detective and just how utterly on edge he looked. Not that he blamed Sonny, though. Rafael had his little freak out before meeting the detective and he only wished he looked as half as put together while doing so. Probably not. With his luck, Rafael had probably snapped at Carmen more than usual and hyperventilated while running his shaking hands through his hair. 

In an effort to break the uncomfortable silence, Rafael raised an eyebrow and gestured to the still yelling students. 

“Friends of yours?” 

The response was immediate, hard, and clipped. 

“No.” 

Well that certainly explained the discomfort only increasing. Perhaps a bar wasn’t the best option for a first date, after all. But Sonny wasn’t done quite yet. 

“They’re some kids from a case I worked back on Staten Island. Got caught up with the wrong people and never forgave me for takin’ ‘em in.” 

Rafael supposed he could understand. If someone had arrested his friends when he was younger, he’d have held a grudge too. Just… not for this long. Some of them appeared to be almost in their early twenties and Staten Island was the first precinct Sonny had transferred out of. The grimace on his face must have been telling enough because his date nodded and ran a hand through his hair. 

“Didn’t think they’d still have it out for me now, but you learn something new every day, right counselor?” 

It was a weak attempt at humour and both of them knew it. God, was it possible for them to get even more awkward? Apparently so because right when Sonny went to take a swig of his beer, someone knocked into him, causing the pale amber liquid to splash over Rafael. They didn’t meet each other’s eyes for what seemed like forever. Embarrassment stained Sonny’s normally pale cheeks and he slumped in his seat even more. When they could finally stand to look at each other, Rafael couldn’t help but laugh. He knew it was probably going to be misconstrued but goddamn, what else was going to go wrong? Turning to lock eyes with Sonny, he shook his head. 

“I know this shirt is from last spring but you could have just said you didn’t like it.”

His words had the desired effect and Sonny groaned good-naturedly before laughing along with him. 

“Oh so you knew? I thought you had just picked your clothes without thinking.” 

It was probably the best moment they’d had together so far. Thankfully Sonny had an extra shirt in his car that Rafael could change into and they both agreed that maybe bars weren’t good date locations in the future. He hadn’t even noticed their slip until they were sitting at a small ‘60s themed diner, a basket of greasy fries and ridiculously sweet milkshakes between them. He wasn’t sure he cared. 

The upbeat mood lasted the rest of their date and even carried over to the next day. While at the diner, Rafael had learned that beneath that puppy-like nature, Sonny had a phenomenal sense of empathy and was a great person to vent to. All he did was fix those intense blue eyes on you and suddenly you were pouring out your life story while he nodded or made small noises in all the right places. It was breath of fresh air and Rafael suddenly found he couldn’t live without it. 

He still couldn’t. Maybe that was a sign of co-dependence but Rafael found he didn’t care. Between then and now, that much hadn’t changed. Looking down at what he’d written, orange and red streaking the skyline beyond the window, he took a deep breath. Anymore and he’d write too much for the morning. He didn’t want to overwhelm anyone. 

Picking up his briefcase and jacket, he headed down to call a cab. The pages remained clenched within his fist tightly, as though someone were going to steal them at any second. Perhaps, maybe they were. 

His cab arrived right on time, like it did every morning, and Rafael didn’t even bother giving a location. They already knew. One of the many perks of being predictable, he noted. 

The journey hardly lasted twenty minutes before he was thanking the driver and slipping him the usual tips. Heading inside, the receptionist waved to him before allowing him to go back. Several uniformed staff members smiled at him but Rafael could hardly be bothered to notice. Not when he was so close. His pace picked up as he rounded the corner and he reached room 126 just as Sophie was exiting. She looked exhausted and discouraged but perked up once she locked eyes with Rafael, like usual. 

“He’s excited to see you, Mr. Barba.” 

Her greeting was even the same. Was their routine really that obvious? Even if it was, now was not the time to dwell on it. Pushing open the door unceremoniously, he strode into the room like he owned the place. With the amount of time he spent in it, he might as well have.   
Sonny was sitting up this morning, a relatively good sign. Some days he couldn’t even open his eyes, much less force himself up. All of this was something Rafael learned to take in stride. There was bright smile plastered to his detective’s face and he was rustling through other papers nearly identical to the ones Rafael clutched in his hand. Nearly identical indeed, aside from content. 

He didn’t approach his lover directly at first. His main priority was checking the reports and seeing how everything was going. Hopefully there was good news. 

He’d been telling himself that for months now. Each time he knew that the only good news was that the end date of all this suffering was only a short time away but it didn’t help. Faith wasn’t exactly Rafael’s strong suit and he couldn’t get comfortable with the idea that Sonny would be better off away from those who could help him and love him. So for now, they’d have to be enough. 

That didn’t stop him from sneaking a glance at the charts though. They were as blunt and to the point as ever. Sparing a look at the time they had less, he noticed last week’s prediction had been crossed out and replaced. 

Less. 

That was how much time they thought he had left. No specifics, just less. Fuck whoever decided that was acceptable. 

Plastering a sad smile on his face, he approached the head of the bed. 

“Detective.” 

Sonny turned his entire focus onto him and that million watt smile lit up his face. 

“Mornin’, counselor. Come to give me my daily dose of snark?” 

Even while dying, that beautiful bastard could still joke. He could still appear so damn alive and each time Rafael wanted to howl that it wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fair that Sonny was the one infected. 

It wasn’t fair that the perpetrator who did this got to live. 

It wasn’t fair that the glove had to break on the one day Sonny had a paper cut. 

It wasn’t fair that the hospital couldn’t do anything, I’m sorry, sir. At this stage there’s nothing we can do but wait. 

It wasn’t fair that because one man didn’t care that he had a retrovirus, a perfectly innocent and healthy person had to suffer. 

But the sound wouldn’t unlodge itself from his throat so he could only roll his eyes and ruffle his detective’s hair. 

“With you happy about it? Hardly. That just takes all the fun out of it.” 

His words didn’t carry the usual bite but Rafael wasn’t sure either of them noticed, much less cared. Instead, he smoothed the papers out and added them to his boyfriend’s growing pile. 

“I recorded our first date for you this morning.” 

There was that stupid, loveable smile; brighter this time if that was even possible. As if Rafael would forget to bring him a memory. 

With Sonny’s memory getting spottier as the disease progressed, Rafael found himself wanting to remind Sonny of everything. His first instinct was to orally pass on the stories but his lover forgot those too easily. It took too long and the D.A.’s office was only forgiving to a fault. After getting chewed out by his boss one morning, he’d channelled his annoyance at their lack of understanding into writing down everything he’d told Sonny that morning so his lover wouldn’t have to be reminded later that evening. For the first time in a long time, Rafael felt like he was helping. 

The practise proved to be so helpful that Sophie recommended he come in with a new memory every morning. If it would help Sonny, Rafael would have agreed to anything. 

“Thank you…” 

Sonny trailed off and Rafael could see the confusion in his eyes as he struggled to finish his thought. He’d forgotten his name again. 

“Rafael.” 

He gently prodded and pecked Sonny’s lips before he could apologise. 

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault and I’m more than happy to help.” 

The unspoken ‘for as long as I’ can hung between them and neither was keen on acknowledging it. That meant resigning to the inevitable and Rafael was never going to accept that Sonny was dying. As long as his lover didn’t look it, he refused to say it. It was his way of coping, no matter how unhealthy. Sonny had always told him he was unusually stubborn. 

They stayed like that for awhile, just melting into each other’s presence until Sophie stepped into the room once again. This time, she was flanked by doctors; Rafael’s cue to leave. 

“I love you, Sonny.” 

He pressed his lips over his lover’s gently, as though extra pressure would causing his detective to shatter. Sonny still melted into his kisses like he’d done since their first kiss. They fit perfectly together in every sense and it physically hurt to pull away. A part of him cried out at the loss of contact but his brain knew that it had to happen. It was best for both of them. 

“I’m going to be late if I stay any longer. I’ll be back around 7 tonight.” 

Sonny nodded, though Rafael would have preferred a verbal response. He knew not to push it. It took tremendous energy for Sonny to do anything these days. 

He left the hospital feeling emptier than usual. If he had anymore time he could take off, he would, but his boss was beginning to crack down. If his performance began to slip, he’d be left without a job. He couldn’t do that because he was paying for Sonny’s treatment. That treatment was the only thing standing between Rafael’s love and death. 

Rafael arrived at his office with five minutes to spare. Carmen already had coffee on his desk and offered him the wide berth she’d adopted since the accident. He vaguely felt bad about scaring her but couldn’t find the energy to apologise. The visits to Sonny left him feeling drained and he could barely focus enough to work. He must’ve been doing something right though because apparently he had a victim coming in with Olivia today. 

God, he had spoken to her since Sonny’s appointment had confirmed his suspicions. He’d called her, angrily demanding why his beloved was infected with the defendant’s strain of AIDs. Olivia had been just as shocked and he’s not pleased to admit that he’d overreacted. He hadn’t even considered what would happen if they had to speak while not around Sonny. 

Sure enough, she entered around noon with a young woman who looked irrationally angry. When he asked about her story, he was less than impressed. She wanted him to prosecute her new intern because he hadn’t told her he had HIV. He didn’t even want to dignify that accusation with a response until the woman blamed the boy for not speaking up despite her insisting to forgo a condom. He gestured to Olivia for the file and became even more annoyed. Apparently the intern had tried to get her to listen and insist upon protection but the woman had gagged him and continued to have her merry way with him. Something within him snapped and he glared at the woman. 

“So you think it’s his fault, do you? Do you realise that HIV has been known about for years, decades even, and you didn’t stop to think about how it was spread?” 

She tried to protest but Rafael was already steamrolling her. 

“Some people don’t have a choice in the matter and you did. You know what? Get out of my office. You didn’t listen when you had the chance and now you can pay the price.” 

Oh, he was so fired for this. Might as well go out in a blaze of glory. 

“When they say use protection, next time-” 

He was cut off by a buzzing from his phone. The hospital. 

Every drop of blood drained from his face and with shaking hands, he answered the call.

“Barba. What’s the problem, doctor?” 

Loud beeping and the panicked voice of Sophie echoed in the background. 

“Mr. Barba, we’ll need you at the hospital as soon as you can. I’m afraid it’s time.” 

Hope plummeted to his gut and deep inside, he knew they couldn’t last forever. He should have known it would happen soon, especially after this morning. 

He should have known what less meant. 

“On my way, doctor. Thank you.” 

He hung up without waiting for a response. Olivia tried to ask him if everything was okay but he simply snapped at her and the woman next to her. 

“Get out.” 

He didn’t even bother to make sure they’d actually gone before the tears hit. Sonny’d been fine that morning; there was no way his condition had decreased that much… 

Deep down, Rafael knew that he was lying to himself. Sonny had been very sick and he hadn’t wanted to believe it. But it didn’t make it hurt any less. 

Rafael made every effort he could to get to the hospital in time but something in his gut told him he’d be too late. That didn’t stop him from bursting into room 126 like his feet were on fire. 

Inside, a barely breathing Sonny managed a small smile and he almost screamed. There were double the machines around him now and the tubes of oxygen seemed to dwarf him. Even the hospital bed tried to swallow his lover whole. He didn’t know how he managed his way to Sonny’s side but he didn’t ever want to leave. 

He could see how panicked Sonny was getting. That wasn’t how he deserved to spend his last minutes. Rafael began stroking his hair and rambling desperately in Spanish, hoping that Sonny would understand. 

It seemed to help, in some way, and Sonny’s eyes cleared momentarily. His voice was raspy, as if he’d been screaming for hours. Rafael tried not to think about how he probably had been. 

“Y’know… I do love you, Rafi.” 

His throat closed up and Rafael tried to fight back tears. 

“Te amo tambien…” 

The next few minutes blurred together into a sick haze. He was vaguely aware of the flatline and Sophie telling him gently to step away. His breath hitched when he finally processed Sophie removing the oxygen tubes and IV from Sonny’s body. 

“Oh God… Dios…” 

When she stepped away, he resumed his previous position and cradled the limp body against his chest. 

Sophie sighed and tapped his shoulder. 

“Mr. Barba, we have to take him now. I’m so sorry but-” 

She didn’t even get to finish before the doctors began removing Sonny. 

“No, wait, please! That’s… please, he’s my entire world. Don’t take him. That’s mi amor… por favor.” 

Of course they didn’t listen. Why would they? 

Rafael sunk to the floor and finally managed to release the scream he’d been holding in since this whole mess had started. 

He’d never get over Sonny. 

He didn’t regret staying together despite the illness, like so many of his friends had tried to tell him. 

Sonny might be gone but Rafael was the one who was truly suffering.

**Author's Note:**

> If you wanna read the fic that inspired my thought process, you can do so here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/537876


End file.
